Let's be simple and clear: Ultimates2 #5 SUCKS. The plotting is bad. The writing is bad. The art is bad. Ultimates2 #5 seems to epitomize the new Marvel. The dialogue is either generic or just plain awful. Once again, Marvel has produced a comic book that in addition to being bad is also boring. As I sit and read, I find myself FORCING myself to turn the page. Why am I still reading this garbage? Because Marvel is forcing me to read this garbage. What happens in this terrible excuse for a comic book impacts every other Marvel character and title. When Black Panther says, "We fight over nothing." He's RIGHT! There's nothing to fight over. When he dodges the 'tranquiler machine pistols' (that has got to be one of the STUPIDEST descriptions of a weapon I've ever read) and he goes from standing straight up and down in front of Spitfire to attacking her with the flat soles of his feet (how monumentally stupid is THAT?!?) it's an impossible move. It makes no sense according to the laws of physics. It is so poorly portrayed that it crosses over firmly into the absurd. All the other characters, their dialogue, the 'story' and situations portrayed are all just as boring and bad. I could go on, but I'm bored of talking about all the boring and stupid things in this comic book. The writer does such a bad job of portraying super-powered individuals in combat that I find myself wishing that someone would come along and kill all these characters to put me out of my misery of having to read about them. I wish this title was better. I wish Marvel would hire comic book writers and artists who actually know how to write and draw comic books. As fans who put our money down and buy this garbage and have for many years, we definitely deserve far, far better than this.

Here's what works in this issue: the art is generally good. The lines are crisp, the colors pop, and panels and layouts flow with a sense of both motion and power. The downside: Ken Lashley is treading just a little too close to the MTV-ization of our favorite mutants in that every single character looks a little too generically perfect and beautiful. Remember how awkward and endearing Kitty Pryde was when we first met her WAAAY back in X-Men #129? Now I'm not saying every superhero should look ugly, but a few distinctive (and realistic) imperfections go a long way to keeping these characters unique and relateable. Here's what doesn't work in this issue: the motivations. It wouldn't be that hard to give Kitty a great reason for not contacting the X-Men after returning to Earth, other than, 'My life got weird.' When has an X-Man's life NOT been weird? Pretty weak, and lacking in depth and conflict. Undoubtedly a major missed opportunity that reeks of 'because the writer wanted to and couldn't be bothered to think of a good character-driven reason.' Virtually every other character motivation (or lack thereof) and interaction suffered from varying degrees of this basic flaw. On top of that: there was no story. Despite better production values than most recent X-Book specifically and Marvel fare in general, this was clearly intended as an advertisement, not an entertainment. Attention Marvel: you seem to have forgotten your purpose. It is NOT to sell comics. Is IS to create entertaining stories with compelling characters and the sales will then follow. This comic should have been given away or never distributed.

This comics is bad. The art looks good in individual panels but the characters still stand around most of the time doing nothing. STATIC. But the 'writing' is worse than bad, it's TERRIBLE. How did Terrax get here? I don't know. Why is he here? I don't know. What does he want? I don't know. But what is worse, the 'writer' of this comic book CLEARLY believes that the answers to these questions DON'T MATTER! After all, the only people who buy 'funny' books are illiterates who never learned to read, so stupid things like character motivations and logic are unnecessary and meaningless in Marvel Comics in 2017. Why are the unstable molecules of Kitty and Storm's uniforms torn but not their skin? I don't know. Why are the X-Men grouped up like sitting ducks in front of Terrax? I don't know. Why doesn't he take advantage of that? I don't know. If Terrax managed to rip their unstable molecule uniforms open AND he also managed to decimate chunks of New York City, why are they standing around and talking so calmly? I don't know. And all of these STUPID STUPID STUPID questions pop up on only the first panel. Why is that building threatening to fall on them? I don't know. How does Kurt manage to teleport Kitty and Logan to a destination that he can't see, without killing all three of them? I don't know. When did Logan add 'leaping tall buildings in a single bound' to his power set? I don't know. I could go on and on and on but I'm tired of pointing out the insane amount of stupidity in these Marvel Comics. MARVEL! If you're not interested in employing writers and artists who know how to write and draw the most beloved franchise in the history of comic books, then PLEASE just stop putting this crap out. CANCEL them already! But since I know you won't, you leave me no choice: I am no longer buying any more Marvel comics.

X-Men Gold #3: The X-Men become MUTANT TERRORISTS!!! I could talk about all the standing and/or walking around of talking heads written by people who's biggest concern is the proper blend of non-GMO organic beans in their coffee. This is NOT how people behave when they are running into a battle with their LIVES at stake. Kitty (I use that term loosely, this isn't that Katherine Pryde I know and love, as I will make abundantly clear in a moment) refusing the help of X-Men who she has fought beside on alien worlds, going into a fight for her very life makes ZERO sense. Mesmero's powers DO NOT WORK THIS WAY. They never have. Very little in the comic makes sense. That the X-Men have been the flagship title of Marvel Comics for so many years and are now being written, edited and published by people who don't seem to care at all about the integrity of the characters and stories is truly heartbreaking to fans like myself who grew up loving these characters and their adventures. But at the end of the book when Guggenheim's pathetic stand in for 'Kitty Pryde' orders Rachel Summer (Prestige?!) to TORTURE a non-powered human is MUTANT BRUTALITY!!! THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! And 'Kitty's' big complaint is that her opponent is guilty of BIGOTRY. You IDIOTS!!! Lydia Nance orchestrated FELONIES!!! Kidnapping, assault, battery, attempted MURDER!!! Ooops! WATCH OUT!!! Your caffe latte is getting cold.

GOOD IDEAS: I definitely see plenty of good ideas. 1. A.I./Sentinel hybrid that attacks everyone because everyone's body contains genetic mutations. CHECK. Rachel needing to grow. CHECK. Bringing in more of the great characters available to liven up the book like Pixie and Gambit. CHECK. Interpersonal/emotional attachment and development. CHECK. The problem is that even though these ideas are all great, the execution is off. I see you trying, I do. And I appreciate it. But reading the X-Men these days, to be honest, most Marvel Comics, is like seeing a beautiful picture trying to come into focus and going TOO FAR and turning into a caricature/fun house mirror of what a good comic book is supposed to be. What this book is lacking is FOCUS. What are each character's powers and how do they solve their challenges using their powers intelligently and creatively, and preferably as a team? MISS. Characters having genuine and MOTIVATED emotions and emotional challenges that we share with them? MISS. (Storm gratuitously kissing Gambit? GROSS) Sure fire signs you're missing the target is when you can take any character in the entire comic book and replace them with any other character in the entire comic book and virtually none of the action or dialogue will be any different is a sure fire MISS. Anytime the height of emotional involvement is one character melodramatically shouting another characters name is a sure fire MISS. Anytime the solution to a problem is doing the same tired thing over and over and over again, only this time, just a little tiny bit HARDER is a MISS. I'm sorry Mr. Guggenheim. I see you trying. I do. And I appreciate the effort. Maybe you'll one day grow into a writer that doesn't make me cringe every time I pick up the X-Men and count the pages impatiently, wishing it was already done.