SPOILED REVIEW. Purchased issue #32 of X-Men for the Russel Dauterman Trading Card variant cover. In this issue, as I’ve read it, we find a few ragtag members of the X-Men executing a mission to save captured mutants from the Reverend Stryker Education Center for Disadvantaged Youth, located in Hershey, Pennsylvania. The weak men of Orchis maintaining the facility are slaughtered without ruth by one of Krakoa’s War Captains Magik, while hampered by gift blocking nanomites, as well as the always-lurking-in-the-shadows-ready-to-save-the day, Kitty (‘cat, Kate, Kathrine) Pryde. Hell hath no fury like scorned hellfire gala party poopers. Magik and Kitty slaughter men attempting to stop the intrusion by slashing them to pieces; blood splattered everywhere for all to see. Ironically an iron sentinel could prove more than a match for our heroes but thank all the goodness in the Marvel universe that X-Woman Polaris was able to finish putting on make-up in time to help rid Magik of her mite infestation and work together to douse the sentinel, that Polaris led to them, with water. SKRAKABOOM, indeed. I think that about sums up the story. Oh, in case I neglected to mention it, we learn that Magik is a War Captain of Krakoa. A key reveal to be sure. I liked the cover.

SPOILED REVIEW. Unclear who is winning in the war between Orchis and mutants, Sebastian Shaw plans to be ready, standing shoulder to shoulder with whoever is the victor. Every possibility has been accounted for, even the asymmetrical. Whatever that might mean, it has been planned for. They don’t just call him Seb-“Man with the Plan”-Stian because he’s so well dressed by the ladies. The only apparent problem, securing Madripoor deeds doesn’t much help with squatters. Not to be out-planned by his dad, Shinobi Shaw, along with his trusty louts set out to clear the riffraff from the lands so a stronghold could be built. The “louts”, otherwise known as Reavers arrive and politely ask squat-leader Callisto if it wasn’t too much trouble to kindly leave. They offered a ship waiting just down a little way, past the neon casinos, sex clubs, drug dens, at the Lowtown docks. Callisto retorts, “You can walk away or turn your legs into tank treads and wheel out of town”. Which resulted in a swift Reaver boot to Callisto’s face, officially kicking off operation “Slate”. Even though the world is ending again and it means it this time. Emma Frost has proven the ever-essential motivational lead thinker in charge. We hear the rallying thoughts of the White Queen telling everyone why she’s here, “Still helping direct mutant foot to Orchis ass.” We learn the dark reflection of Steve Rogers, AKA Captain Krakoa has been exonerated by a jury of his peers. More on that at a time and place of Emma and friends choosing. The recently abandoned, mutant stronghold located in the Morlock Tunnels has been discovered by Orchis. Little too late did they realize that Wolverine had been hiding there for who knows how long, just hoping that someone would wander in so he could make neat piles of severed body parts out of them. Meanwhile in Madripoor, where we find Reaver crucified captive Callisto, ever the one-eyed optimist, clearly opted to hang around instead of sailing away. Kitty (‘cat, Kate, Kathrine) Pryde arrives to negotiate her release. The Reavers faced with the choice of either freeing Callisto or dying or freeing Callisto and dying, opted for the latter. Once the dirty business of rescuing Callisto from the dead-treads gang was finished, tricksy Shinobi Shaw shows up. He decided he didn’t much like Sebastian’s plan. The new plan is the same plan as the old plan but his. Shinobi reveals Madripoor is the hidden location of a Very Important Person from Orchis. Whether the mutants win or lose, this man will be the builder or hero for the plan. The X-Men are dispatched, to stand side by side for the final stand and confront none other than, Dr. Killian Devo, Grand Poobah of Orchis, who had his brain scooped and rewritten by Omega Sentinel. The Doctor however was prepared for this and swiftly turned on the recently installed projectors to the Negative Zone. You see, Mutate Reed Richards neglected to secure his intellectual property before going missing, so Doctor Devo confiscated them and built a mutant-sucking machine designed to ostracize them in another dimension. While the rest of the X-Men were chatting about their perplexing predicament, quick-witted Ms. Marvel came up with a plan; make a long-distance tele-projection call to Latveria. Thank goodness Victor was in! It didn’t take much convincing for him to agree to help. He thinks the Earth is his purview after all and quite despises Mr. Fantastic’s feeble accomplishments being used to cleanse it. Victor deploys the X-Men… of Doom! Slag, Volta, and Nerium, the top of Latveria's spear, quickly kill Doctor Devo by stabbing him with a spear. Wolverine noticing how well Nerium was able to throw a stick offers a spot on the X-Men team. She responds “I have no interest in joining the X-Men”, content with being a member of the "X-Men… of Doom!". Now that that’s dealt with, Emma checks in with Cyclops over on the Moon who reports that “Dr. Alia Gregor is dead” and “Orchis was a Trojan horse… of machine death.” Turns out the whole master grand plan all along was for Nimrod, Omega Sentinel, and Moira to create a distraction until the construction of Sentinel City was complete! To sum it all up, let’s let Callisto describe it, “This all seems pretty terrible.”

SPOILED REVIEW We begin our adventure with the Professor daydreaming about times immemorial, when mutants could fly, skate, handstand, and survey their serene backyard without a care in the world for what anyone else thought of their idea of fun and leisure. He reminisces about a time when they could throw a party to watch *They Live*, starring everyone's favorite rowdy wrestler taking down invading aliens attempting to brainwash and enslave humans through subliminal messaging, without maligned prejudice from others. Unfortunately, there’s always that one person who wants to root for the villains in the story because they’re edgy that way. That would be the Professor Charles Xavier, who apparently has decided there needs to be 'no more humans.' To that end, he has sided with Orchis, the anti-mutant, pro-human organization determined to rid the world of mutants, in order to save mutants. Today, in New York City, we find George, AKA Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing, doing his best impression of an olive on top of a @#$% sandwich. George, the self-described jerk, rewards a loyal Orchis tug guard for a job well done by cranking the monster 'o meter dial all the way up to eleven. The dope was just trying to earn an honest salary man, only to have avant-garde wannabe George repay him with the worst case of dermatitis you've likely ever seen. Over at the Daily Bugle, news of investigative journalist Ben Urich breaking his favorite mug, given to him by his always late wife Doris, are reportedly true. Though, independently unconfirmed. The Orchis fellas have just arrived to ask Ben to publish a retraction regarding the misleading news stories he's been printing. Apparently, George's art project has gone viral, as more Orchis goons have gone grossly grotesque. Firestar arrives just in the nick of time, preventing Ben from getting his face licked. Meanwhile, Miss Marvel is wiping mutated Orchis slime on her grubby mitts all over innocent bystanders. Wolverine—no, not that one, the other one—is on the scene SNIKTing, because she's the best at it and that's what she does. The always mind-numbingly annoying White Queen interrupts everyone's private thoughts with an update on current affairs. The elusive Nimrod remains so, and Professor X has joined him. No worries, though; the top X-Men are on it. Kitty ('Kat, Kate, Katherine) Pryde has arrived at the Orchis facility, where Pestilence, I mean Caliban, who was once lost, has now been found. Shadowkat asks Caliban for help finding Chuck. Caliban responds, 'Nope’. Elsewhere, Firestar, Miss Marvel, and Wolverine—no, not that one, the other one—track down George and find him safe and secure, floating unmoored from a dock on his previously mentioned tugboat, protected from persecution under admiralty law, apparently. Firestar, having no respect for such laws, blasts the boat, blowing it to fiery bits. As luck would have it, just inches from the flaming boat, Miss Marvel found barrels filled with gasoline. Unluck would have it, George is fireproof. Luck would have it, Firestar can cook with microwaves. Unluck would have it, George gets cooked with microwaves. Luck would have it, George can shoot telekinetic force blasts from his tiara. Unluck would have it, Wolverine—no, not that one, the other one—can block M.O.D.O.K. beams. Luck would have it, Synch can replicate superpowers, such as Polaris's ability to control magnetism, and use those powers to hurl Laura Kinney at high-flying, hovering George. Unluck would have it, Laura is certain to fall into the water and get all wet after eviscerating George. Luck would have it, Synch is there to rescue the clawed damsel in distress by utilizing Polaris's power of flight. Unluck would have it, Miss Marvel apparently turns into a psychopath and pummels near-dead George to death. Poor George, so unlucky. ‘Back at Little Tokyo’, Kitty is still pestering Caliban to reveal where Chuck is hiding. Wolverine—yes, that one—interrupts their bickering and lets them know he’s going to SNIKT Professor Xavier because he’s the best at it and that’s what he does. Kitty decides she's done being called an X-Man and hands Wolverine her ninjato sword, calling it quits. And that’s just about all folks. We’ll let Kitty sum up this issue, “I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.”

SPOILED REVIEW. Somewhere. In some place they haven’t been long, we find the Birds of Prey in a pile with a few misplaced hands in places they don’t belong. Oddly, while before Big Barda was previously wearing curtains, and the others lingerie, they now all wear strange costumes. Barbara, AKA Oracle is missing and Mia, AKA Meridian, too, though she may not have come, “She was right behind. She certainly tried to come through.” Dinah, AKA Black Canary, shouts, ‘Barbara!’. From a distance, Barbara responds, ‘Dinah!’ Mari, AKA Vixen, mentions to Dinah, “I can’t access The Red”. Mari, can’t hear, see, smell better now. Barda has more bad news as well, though less on that now. Back at Gotham. We find missing Mia. Back at Star City. Mia visits Cole Cash, AKA Grifter and Zannah, AKA Zealot. Mia quickly explains everything, ‘Oraclegotsucked intoaportalandthen dinahwentinandthen everyonewentin’ - Except Mia, obviously. Back at Downtown Gotham. Zannah checks out the sucking portal and explains to Mia how big the problem is, given the mega-rod laying near by, of course. Back at Somewhere. Barda’s ‘more bad news’ from earlier was about her missing mega-rod. Dinah finds Barbara down a hole. Thankfully there are roots for Barbara to climb out. Shadows attack. Barda throws Cynthia, AKA Sin, at them. The shadows disappear. Barbara finishes her climb out of the hole. They all head for the clock tower. Cynthia tells Dinah, Barbara’s not Barbara. Dinah screams at Barbara. Barbara turns into a big bat. While dodging bat attacks, Dinah and Barda notice a portal. Dinah screams at the bat. The Birds escape though the portal. That’s about the simple gist of this sultry story. Let’s let Mia rate it, “sucked”.

SPOILED REVIEW. The Birds, having just departed through the portal from the giant bat dream world, arrive in a new world. Or is it? They have new outfits. Or do they? Mari doesn’t like her 1950s-era styling, that’s for sure. All the ladies are accounted for, except for one: Barbara. Cass asks, “Did we leave her there?” Dinha answers, “I don’t know, Cass.” Vexed Vixen still can’t feel the Red. Suddenly, Barda exclaims, “?!”, after being squicked by an ebony bolt of goop. Knocked down with a huff, Barda gets back up again. She’s fine. Dinah asks, “What was that?” A mysterious woman responds, “It was a bit of Maia.” Cela is her name, along with her pet Poe, who appears to be a ‘wolf’. Cela explains, “You’re inside a pocket dimension", that she and her clever sisters had concocted. Maia was one of Cela's sisters. The view of the world is inspired by whom so ever enters first. Barda entered this one first, if you wondered. Cela continues, “You’re still in the same space. You haven’t gone anywhere. So neither has your friend.” Apparently, if you’re really quiet, Maia can’t find you. You know, like playing Marco Polo at a party, in the pool, with some playmates, without ever saying “Marco, Polo.” Barda chooses a lovely house for them to hide in. Cela’s pet ‘cat’, Poe, says it senses a new portal. Dinah’s plan is for Poe to point them towards it, and they all head there. Cela says, “Pass.” Somewhere in the humble hideout, there is a crash. It was Barda. She fell down again and hasn’t gotten back up. Fratricidal Cela explains, “Barda’s got a bit of my sister Maia in her. After enough time, it’ll drive her mad. The same thing happened to my sister Electra before she begged me to kill her.” Cela, AKA Celaeno Lockhart, tells everyone the story about her seven scarlet-haired septuplet sisters. They were weirdly named after the constellation known as the Seven Sisters. They all received alliterative L-L names, like Alcyone, the first one Maia killed. Alcyone could warp reality and had a voice like a bird. Cela remembers having sworn she’d never forget what her sister’s voice sounded like. She forgot, except that it sounded like a bird. She didn’t forget that. Maia takes the powers of the sisters whose lives she claims. Maia then stole from Mia, Mizoguchi that is. Mia was keen on time-traveling tech while connected to the Green. Greenless Maia found a way to use it after killing sister Taygete, who could control the Red, instead. Asterope and Merope, who could respectively shapeshift and possess others, got killed next. Sister Electra was harder to kill since she was strong and nigh-invulnerable. So Cela, after spooning with Electra, killed her and took her powers. Furthermore, Cela mentions that in the future, Barbara will kill her past passed mother Lani Lockhart, AKA The Velvet Tiger. Elsewhere in the pocket dimension, Barbara wakes up on a grimy jail cell floor. She realizes that when shifting through different versions of the dimension, the objects she holds remain with her. They just appear different. Like say, if she built a gun, it would still be a gun, even though it might not look like one, apparently. Back at the humble abode with the Birds, Dinah denies having killed Cela’s mother yet. Cela concedes, “Not yet.” Barda awakens with a “whamo.” Dinah screams at Barda. Barda doesn’t like that and body checks Dinah into Cela, knocking them both out of the house. Before Barda can kill Cass and Cynthia, Mari stands in the way. Cynthia whips up some spaghetti to block Barda’s fist from hitting Mari in the face. Outside the house, Poe the ‘crow’ caws to Cela, telling her where to find the portal. Inside the house, Cass tells Barda to stop. So, Barda pounds the ground and splutches out the last bit of Maia. Cela leads Cynthia to the portal and tells her to jump in first. Meaera asks, “Will it be my memories or yours that it takes?” Cynthia responds, “I don’t know.” TO BE CONTINUED. Let’s let Barda sum up this issue, “[KRRCCCCH] What a [KKKKKK] delightful surprise”.

SPOILED REVIEW. Previously, The Spider-Men took down a giant, mutant copy of Jackal who had torn through campus. While an investigation into the original Jackal uncovered a burnt corpse in the rubble. Meanwhile, people all over seem to be living out their wildest dreams… Currently, we find ourselves in a morgue, staring at the charred remains of a dead body, along with Detective Shari Sebbens, Forensic Specialist Carlie Cooper, and Doctor Jane Foster. Confused Carlie explains to inquiring Shari that the very burned and very dead skeleton is an adult male who appears to have burned to death. Or has he? Genius Jane, informs perplexed Shari and pedantic Carlie that virtually every cell in his body exploded. Carlie thinks maybe, well no, not really, yet yeah, there is a possibility that she can I.D. the guy from his ‘sploded teeth. She seems pretty confident anyways. Shari heads out so Carlie can get to work on that. Lurking just outside, one half of the spider-menace duo, Peter Parker’s Spider-Man, startles Shari as she exits the building. Shari tells Peter, “I seem to have a very unusual corpse on my hands.” Peter offers some personal hygiene advice, “You should wash those hands”. Meanwhile we fancy a fantastical fantasy, with campus mates, coffee barista Shelly ‘Angel’ Conklin and coffee connoisseur Cedric Harrison making out on the grass, somewhere. Shelly assures Cedric that her co-cohabiting coffee baristi Kenny, Cedric’s friend, is a-okay with it. Elsewhere, a Rat-Man called Vermin goes for a jog in the sewers with some kid wearing a ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ hat, while exclaiming “Leave me alone!!!’. Days later, Miles heads to the coffee shop. Doctor Seymour Krepps doesn’t feel like coffee today; perhaps he prefers Darjeeling tea instead. Meanwhile we fancy another fantastical fantasy, a Daredevil gets taken down by Turk. Back at the coffee shop, Cedric arrives and tries to kiss his new main squeeze, Shelly—I mean, ‘Angel’. Kenny, Angel's boyfriend, is none too happy about that and throws Cedric's ass out of the joint. Miles thinks he and Peter should check on Cedric. Peter laments that he hasn’t finished his Medium Iced Half-and-Half Latte with a shot of espresso and a dash of cinnamon. Meanwhile, Juliet and friend are kissing at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Back outside the coffee shop, Cedric heads back to the 'Arcadium'. Peter and Miles switch into their spectacular spider pajamas and follow Cedric into the sewers. They bump into numerous Vermin and decide to fight. Peter coins his new catchphrase, ‘arachnobatix’, with an ‘x’. Shift, clone of Miles, shows up to break up the brawl. Back at the Bean, Marv arrives just before quitting time to ask if Kenny and Shelly want to beta-test a game. That’s the story so far. Tune in next time for the continuation of this marvelous masterpiece of $#!+€ confusing comic. Next issue: Arachnofantasmagarcadium. Maybe that one will make some kind of sense.

SPOILED REVIEW. Previously. Carlie thought maybe, well no, not really, yet yeah, there is a possibility that she could I.D. the charred body they found. Now. Carlie informs Shari that she is most certainly not sure if there is a way to scientifically I.D. the body. And Jane checked to be absolutely sure, definitely no way it was a clone. However, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t “replaced” by a clone. You can believe it. She has seen Stranger Things after all. Then. Peter and Miles are at the Bean again for their favorite brew. Shelly and Kenny are missing. Cedric’s still missing too. The Spider-Men suit up, headed back to the sewers searching for a clue. Surrounded by Vermin and Shift, they discover sometimes the clues find you. Through a faux brick wall they stumble upon the Arcadia’s inner works. Before they ruin everything, they collapse after being zapped by two jerks. Arcade and Metallo now have had you, meanwhile, seeing them, then, imagining their ultimate fantasies, again and again. Before. Roxie and Roxxo embrace each other after the Power-Rox Girls are called in to join Roxie, who was surrounded by the Rowdy-Rox boys and Roxxo. Without warning, the tickle monster attacks. Meanwhile. Will let Cedric sum up this issue, “Doesn’t get any better than that…”

Entertaining April Fools issue.

SPOILED REVIEW. We return to our adventure, before/after foolishly first visiting the space-mall, this issue with domestic housewife Diana having trouble in the kitchen, while the not so humble, stogie smoking, husband Steve is fretting about not being late for his date out with the boys. Dissociatively elsewhere, it would seem that Wonder Woman has found herself in a real bind. She’s tied up with a ‘Lasso of Lies,’ held by someone who calls themselves the Sovereign. Forced to endure bits of biblical quotes written by Paul, the Bible Guy, Wonder Woman isn’t one to be so easily swayed by browbeaten persuasions of submission. Back at the dinner table, the married couple enjoys a romantic candlelit meal together. 'Sweetums' Steve objects to the rarity of his steak roast. Demure Diana decides to skip eating dinner this fine evening in order to maintain her figure. 'Smooching' Steve gives his doting wife, Diana, a big ol' spit swap’n after telling her he doesn’t have time to chat about what time to expect him home. He responds to her persistent nagging with, 'You can't cook, and you never know when to keep quiet. But damn it, you do look alright in that outfit.' Such a charmer. Meanwhile, Sovereign, the old misstating rope wrangler, tells Wonder Woman a story about his imaginary dog. 'To be good, to be happy, to live a life where every comfort and desire were met. All the animal had to do was submit to the will of her betters,' he tells her. She wasn’t buying it despite that rope having a way with words. 'I want to feel your Adam’s apple on my palm as I push,' she retorts. Steve turns in after returning home at some ungodly hour, while Diana's thoughts turn to a fluttering chorus of sermons flowing through her not-quite-sleeping mind. 'Women should keep silent... They are not permitted to speak... If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home... For it is shameful for a woman to talk...' Home again and it turns out that Amazonian Princess Diana may not know how to operate a vacuum cleaner, as it somehow ends up flung out of the front room window. Diana’s thoughts drift back to the time her Amazon girlfriends caught that smartly dressed guy in the forest. He had a fondness for apples, apparently. Sergeant ‘balls of' Steel was his name. He claimed to be six foot one tall, but he was really only five-eleven. The ladies, blindfolded, made sport of taking turns shooting arrows at him while he was tied with a lasso of truth to a tree. Good times. Good times. Wonder what ever happened to good ol’ Steel. In the kitchen once more, Diana is preparing her hungry hubby Steve’s final meal: half-burnt eggs, bacon, and toast. He didn’t like it. Shifting back to more of Sovereign's soliloquies. He reminds Wonder Woman that she may not be anyone's son, but she's certainly someone's daughter. Apparently, he thought that was important for her to know, just in case she didn't. In the kitchen, imaginary Mom Hippolyta pays a visit to Homemaker Diana. They discuss all the imagined lies Mom told Diana about unbreakable magic lassos. Hold on just a gosh darn minute. If this is a lasso of lies, and her Mom said she should believe it couldn’t be broken, then… ipso facto, oh Senior Supreme Tiny Man, you better stand back because this Woman has been contemplating shoving the pointy end of her thumb through a certain man’s apple all day. Back home, soon-to-be sobbing, single Steve receives a letter from his dear Sweetums. 'Steve, I'm leaving... and you're going to need a new vacuum.' TO BE CONTINUED. Over at the Fortress of Solitude, an entirely different adventure unfolds. Jonathan Kent returns home to find Damian Wayne, who should have been babysitting, not looking after Lizzie, the daughter of Wonder Woman, AKA Wonder Girl (for now). Instead of staying home, she had left to work on a social studies report about Ancient Samurai and had even taken the Fricking Time Sphere to visit one in person. After some potentially future-altering meddling in the past, Lizzie returned to the Fortress, of her own time, to show off her new samurai cosplay outfit. THE END. Overall, I have to give it to the super-cowboy for final rating of this issue: You have, and I mean this from my heart, Tom, “no idea what you’re talking about.”

SPOILED REVIEW. We begin this adventure with Sovereign ordering a guard to open a cell door, “Open it.” Wonder Woman, sitting on the floor, disheveled and holding a rat, responds, “All right, old man. What’s next?” TO BE CONTINUED… The backup story features the lovely Zatanna in San Francisco, of all places, performing a magic trick before an audience of one, Elizabeth. She pulls a rabbit out of a hat, to the amazement of none. Lizzie asks Zatanna for advice on how to convince Jonathan Kent and Damian Wayne that they are not corgis. This is absurd, of course, because Circe has clearly turned them into corgis. They fetch sticks like corgis, wag their tails like corgis, roll over and get belly scratches like corgis, and fight over a tennis ball like corgis. Later, they wake up, clearly not corgis. THE END. Will let Wonder Woman sum up this issue, “I don’t know. Does it matter?”

SPOILED REVIEW. We find Yara, Donna, and Cassie looking for Diana’s invisible jet at an airport, on runway 26 due west. According to Donna, the plane is “one of the greatest weapons on earth and the absolute key to saving Diana and setting everything right and dandy again.” They just have to find a way to find it because, you know, it’s invisible. Elsewhere on an island, we find Diana sunning by the water on a beach. She decides to move from lying in the water to sitting further away on the sand. Back at the airfield, Cassie uses her head to figure out where the jet is hidden. Yara informs the others how she prefers to have sexual intercourse. Back on the island, Wonder Woman wanders through the foliage looking for someone. Suddenly, without surprise, Cheetah, aka Barbara Minerva, springs from the tall grass with a menacing, “Rrawwrr!” Diana stumbles over a tree root as Barbara tries to give her a hug. Barbara begins to nibble on Diana’s neck. Diana kicks Barbara away and chastises, “Must it always begin with us in this fashion? In the decade we have spent bleeding on one another, have we truly learned nothing?!” Barbara responds, “You always talk. I only hunger!” and leaps towards Diana. They kick, punch, claw, and punch some more at each other. Back at the jet, Donna makes sure the pilot ejection seat button works properly. It does. Back on the island, they punch, tackle, punch, punch, swim, lunge, wrestle, and choke each other for days and nights. And nights and days. Barbara suggests to Diana, “Die and be chewed.” Diana politely responds, “No thank you.” Barbara continues to choke Diana until she passes out. Satisfied that she has defeated her arch-nemesis, she lays down beside Wonder Woman and celebrates her hard-fought victory. Back in the jet, Yara and Donna make fun of Cassie’s fear of heights. Yara says, “Cassie! You must look! This horrible world of men—from here, it is all beautiful!” Cassie, refusing to look down, responds to their harassment, “I want you to know I hate both of you deeply and meaningfully and from now until forever.” Back on the island, Cheetah and Wonder Woman hold each other’s hands, embracing tenderly by the campfire. Barbara informs Diana that she understands how Diana came to be on the island, “You knew I was taken. You let them capture you. You endured their torture to free me.” Diana confirms it. They shake hands. Besties for life. Back at the jet, at the beach, at the island, Cassie wonders what will become of Sergeant “balls of” Steel when the government finds out he gave them access to his satellite network. “I mean without that, we couldn’t have traced Diana and the whole thing wouldn’t have worked really.” Donna answers, “They’ll probably try him, then hang him as a traitor.” Cassie wonders if they should rescue him. Yara, satisfied with his outcome, answers, “No.” Donna suggests that it is their duty. Cassie, still confused, says, “Super. I’m glad that’s clear.” Diana and Barbara emerge from the jungle. Diana offers her wisdom, “Nothing is ever clear. We are birthed into the fog. And so we must hold each other’s hands or be lost alone.” They all pile into the invisible jet. TO BE CONTINUED. This part of the “World’s Finest” backup story has us at Wayne Manor. Young Lizzie Prince is struggling to fly a kite. Jonathan Kent tries to help by blowing on it. Unfortunately, Lizzie loses her grip on the string, and the kite flies away. Damian Wayne suggests, “Nothing in this world has any meaning. Religion, morality, family, friends, even kites. All worthless. Whatever happens, we’re all going to be thrust one day into the endless void of death.” Jonathan returns the kite to Lizzie. However, after many more failed attempts to fly the kite, they come up with a plan to break Kite-Man out of Arkham Asylum. Kite-Man advises, “Don’t tense up, worrying about getting it up there. Just be content and watch the kite fly.” Apparently, that’s all Lizzie needed in order to fly her kite. THE END. Let’s let Sovereign sum up this issue: “This is, in the end, a tragic tale.”

SPOILED REVIEW. We find Lord Premier Thaaros of the United Planets making an offer to the Star Sapphires on Zamaron. An offer so lovely that they simply couldn’t possibly refuse. They refused. In response, Thaaros orders the purple lantern love battery to be destroyed. And with a ‘Krakooooooom!’, they’ve all lost that loving feeling now that it’s gone. Powerless and defenseless, the Zamarons are assaulted by Lanterns' serving the menacing pink Premier Thaaros. Over on Earth in Coast City, Carol Ferris comes home to her fiancé Nate Broome, who clearly has taken the bad news concerning the contract negotiations at work falling through pretty hard, as she finds him holding two full wine glasses. After the day she had, Carol decides that now is the perfect time to make an offer that he simply couldn’t possibly refuse. She proposes, “I think we should get married… today.” Nate decides that's a great idea and heads off to pack for Vegas, baby. At the Resistance Corps Base on Planet Oa, Hal and the gang are discussing what to do next. Their captive feathered United Planets lantern offers to tell the United Planets Council all the shady details of what Thaaros has been up to lately. It’s settled, “All right, Lanterns. Let’s make some noise.” However, Kyle has decided to sit this one out, while Salaak keeps an eye on him. Back with the love birds as they make their way to Sin City via Interstate 15, Carol is reminded of the last time she paid a visit. She thinks of young Hal being lectured by the school principal Cunningham about how the real world works, “You can keep doing it your way and end up broke and alone. Or you can play ball and have a really fulfilling life.” Hal chooses the former and steals the principal's bright red Pontiac Fiero for a joy ride. He pulls up beside Carol while she is walking home from school and offers to take her to Vegas for some underage gambling. Carol tells Hal, “We can’t go to Vegas!” as they both take off for Vegas. Now at the Great Hall on Oa, the current rebel and former Green Lanterns’ crew, led by Hal Jordan, arrive at the closed United Planets committee chamber. They knock after barging in. Hal accuses the Lord of shenanigans, stating, “Thaaros has directed several Lanterns to destroy central power batteries throughout the universe.” Unfortunatelly for the Green Lanterns', Lord Thaaros reveals that all of the council members were shape-shifting Durlans. It was a trap to lure the pitiful resistance fighters into the open. Back then, young Carol and Hal are discovered playing slots by casino house security. After being busted, we see the Principal's car has been returned with hardly a scratch. Hal reveals to Carol, as a consequence of his constant delinquency, that he’s being sent to boarding school. Back now, Carol and Nate have arrived at the Chapel of Solitude where the betrothed will soon be conferred and lawfully wed by the chaplain of the Church of Krypton, dressed as Superman. “Superman" asks Nate, “Do you promise to treat her with truth and justice, and work toward a better tomorrow together?” Nate responds, “I do.” “Superman” asks Carol, “Do you promise to be stronger than a locomotive, to leap over tall problems together as one to make this marriage a marriage of steel?” Carol responds, “I do.” But before the official pronouncement is made, a lovely purple ring interrupts the ceremony. To be continued. Over on Planet Um, during a detour back to Oa. Testy Green Lantern Guy Gardner and his captive intergalactic bounty hunter “Lobo” hide from dolphins. “Lobo” helps Guy operate the Interspace Transmitter so he can report in to HQ. However, “Lobo” reveals that he directed the link to the local bounty center on Garlan 12. Just in time to see that quite a few bounty hunters have arrived at their location. All looking for Lobo. Before a fight breaks out, Brainiac transports Guy and “Lobo” away. To be continued. In this issue, we transition from an exploding battery of love to Carol and Nate’s wedding being interrupted by a ring powered by love, with Lord Premier Thaaros and his shape-shifting brethren about to extinguish any hope Hal brought to the rebellion, in between. Well told by Jeremy Adams and absolutely brilliant artistry from Xermánico and Amancay Nahuelpan. Will let Nate sum it all up, “Wow. This is exciting.”

SPOILED REVIEW. On OA at the Resistance Corps Base, United Planets Lanterns hold Kyle Rayner and his fellow compatriotic malcontent Corps captives. Kyle, apparently nursing a hangover, is on his knees, head in hands. The Slyggian Salakk suggests to their captors they leave him alone, “You have to listen. He isn’t well.” Salakk gets tentacle construct-whacked in the face for his insolence. Cranky-pants Kyle has just about had enough with all the yelling. He completely loses it and yells, “STOP!” From his raised fist comes a burst of bright white light, shattering his constraints as well as blasting away the nearby U.P. goons. Stunned, Two-Six asks, “What do we do now?” Razer suggests, “Leave before more arrive.” Salakk agrees and picks up the unconscious Kyle. Elsewhere on Oa, at The Great Hall, things are not going as smoothly as Hal and the gang had hoped. The United Planets Council turning out to be shape-shifting Durlans was definitely not on their dance card when they decided to crash traitor Thaaros’ party. Overwhelmed, Hal manages to escape, leaving the remaining fallen resistance fighters behind. Though, he doesn’t get very far before being stopped by The Unseeing of United Planets Lanterns. Apparently, they get their name because they wear blindfolds over their eyes. Hal finds himself being beaten to a pulp while thinking, “And there it is, Jordan. Not going out with a bang like you thought you would. Live by the ring, die by the ring, I guess.” Looks like Hal is gonna for sure be dead this time, folks. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, the sky fills with a soft purple glow. Then bursting forth, Star Sapphire shouts, “Let him go. NOW!” They don’t. So she sends a speeding car careening into them. Guess The Unseeing didn’t see it coming. Carol grabs Hal and blinks away. She brings him home. Hal’s RV by the seashore on Earth, that is. Back on Oa, the United Planets Lanterns stand listless as they listen to Lord Thaaros berate them about how the U.P. does not tolerate failure. “That failure should fill you with rage. Show me which one of you is worthy to continue on.” They begin to fight each other until only one survives. At the island nation of Gamorra on planet Earth, Amanda Waller receives a long-distance call from Oa. Thaaros informs Waller that there is an APB out for Hal Jordan’s arrest. Anyone fitting the description of a snarky masked man wearing a two-tone black/green onesie along with a glowing green ring should be arrested immediately. Over at Hal’s mobile home, Carol makes the mistake of looking in his fridge. It wasn’t pretty, that’s all I’ll say. She says, “This place is disgusting.” Hal’s face, still recovering after being beaten by construct baseball bats, can relate. Carol sits next to Hal and explains to him that she had gotten engaged while he was away. She tells him, “I was just a few words from getting married. Trying to figure out a way to break whatever this is between us. But I don’t think it can be broken. I don’t want anyone else. I want you.” Hal begins to respond, “Carol I lov-” when the trailer explodes. King Shark and Task Force VII found the man Thaaros was looking for. TO BE CONTINUED. Continuing Guy’s Bogus Lobo Adventure. We find Guy Gardner driving his construct delivery truck while imprisoned in Brainiac’s bottled city of Czarnia. Upon his arrival, he was implanted with a chip in his butt that prevents him from escaping, so he's stuck delivering mail. It just so happens that the house he was about to deliver a package to was home to none other than the ‘Main Man’ faux Lobo. The Czarnian fills Guy in on the United Planets scheming that has been going on recently. And he has a plan to help them escape. Guy just needs to dress up as Gene Simmons with a crew cut so they can both sneak past a security checkpoint. It doesn’t really work, but fake ‘Lobo’ probably knew that and just wanted Guy to look like an idiot. Guy knuckle-punches the Czarnian guard blocking the way so they can make their way into the vault. While searching for the device they need, Guy finds the Eye of Krona. Brainiac's security detector finds them. And shortly thereafter, faux Lobo finds the device they came for. They both teleport out of the vault to… free falling above the clouds, somewhere. TO BE CONTINUED. Gorgeous art from Xermánico and Kevin Maguire, inside and out. Let’s let the Czarnian guard sum up this issue, “I love it. You look great.”