SPOILED REVIEW. Somewhere. In some place they haven’t been long, we find the Birds of Prey in a pile with a few misplaced hands in places they don’t belong. Oddly, while before Big Barda was previously wearing curtains, and the others lingerie, they now all wear strange costumes. Barbara, AKA Oracle is missing and Mia, AKA Meridian, too, though she may not have come, “She was right behind. She certainly tried to come through.” Dinah, AKA Black Canary, shouts, ‘Barbara!’. From a distance, Barbara responds, ‘Dinah!’ Mari, AKA Vixen, mentions to Dinah, “I can’t access The Red”. Mari, can’t hear, see, smell better now. Barda has more bad news as well, though less on that now. Back at Gotham. We find missing Mia. Back at Star City. Mia visits Cole Cash, AKA Grifter and Zannah, AKA Zealot. Mia quickly explains everything, ‘Oraclegotsucked intoaportalandthen dinahwentinandthen everyonewentin’ - Except Mia, obviously. Back at Downtown Gotham. Zannah checks out the sucking portal and explains to Mia how big the problem is, given the mega-rod laying near by, of course. Back at Somewhere. Barda’s ‘more bad news’ from earlier was about her missing mega-rod. Dinah finds Barbara down a hole. Thankfully there are roots for Barbara to climb out. Shadows attack. Barda throws Cynthia, AKA Sin, at them. The shadows disappear. Barbara finishes her climb out of the hole. They all head for the clock tower. Cynthia tells Dinah, Barbara’s not Barbara. Dinah screams at Barbara. Barbara turns into a big bat. While dodging bat attacks, Dinah and Barda notice a portal. Dinah screams at the bat. The Birds escape though the portal. That’s about the simple gist of this sultry story. Let’s let Mia rate it, “sucked”.

SPOILED REVIEW. Previously, The Spider-Men took down a giant, mutant copy of Jackal who had torn through campus. While an investigation into the original Jackal uncovered a burnt corpse in the rubble. Meanwhile, people all over seem to be living out their wildest dreams… Currently, we find ourselves in a morgue, staring at the charred remains of a dead body, along with Detective Shari Sebbens, Forensic Specialist Carlie Cooper, and Doctor Jane Foster. Confused Carlie explains to inquiring Shari that the very burned and very dead skeleton is an adult male who appears to have burned to death. Or has he? Genius Jane, informs perplexed Shari and pedantic Carlie that virtually every cell in his body exploded. Carlie thinks maybe, well no, not really, yet yeah, there is a possibility that she can I.D. the guy from his ‘sploded teeth. She seems pretty confident anyways. Shari heads out so Carlie can get to work on that. Lurking just outside, one half of the spider-menace duo, Peter Parker’s Spider-Man, startles Shari as she exits the building. Shari tells Peter, “I seem to have a very unusual corpse on my hands.” Peter offers some personal hygiene advice, “You should wash those hands”. Meanwhile we fancy a fantastical fantasy, with campus mates, coffee barista Shelly ‘Angel’ Conklin and coffee connoisseur Cedric Harrison making out on the grass, somewhere. Shelly assures Cedric that her co-cohabiting coffee baristi Kenny, Cedric’s friend, is a-okay with it. Elsewhere, a Rat-Man called Vermin goes for a jog in the sewers with some kid wearing a ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ hat, while exclaiming “Leave me alone!!!’. Days later, Miles heads to the coffee shop. Doctor Seymour Krepps doesn’t feel like coffee today; perhaps he prefers Darjeeling tea instead. Meanwhile we fancy another fantastical fantasy, a Daredevil gets taken down by Turk. Back at the coffee shop, Cedric arrives and tries to kiss his new main squeeze, Shelly—I mean, ‘Angel’. Kenny, Angel's boyfriend, is none too happy about that and throws Cedric's ass out of the joint. Miles thinks he and Peter should check on Cedric. Peter laments that he hasn’t finished his Medium Iced Half-and-Half Latte with a shot of espresso and a dash of cinnamon. Meanwhile, Juliet and friend are kissing at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Back outside the coffee shop, Cedric heads back to the 'Arcadium'. Peter and Miles switch into their spectacular spider pajamas and follow Cedric into the sewers. They bump into numerous Vermin and decide to fight. Peter coins his new catchphrase, ‘arachnobatix’, with an ‘x’. Shift, clone of Miles, shows up to break up the brawl. Back at the Bean, Marv arrives just before quitting time to ask if Kenny and Shelly want to beta-test a game. That’s the story so far. Tune in next time for the continuation of this marvelous masterpiece of $#!+€ confusing comic. Next issue: Arachnofantasmagarcadium. Maybe that one will make some kind of sense.

Entertaining April Fools issue.

SPOILED REVIEW. We return to our adventure, before/after foolishly first visiting the space-mall, this issue with domestic housewife Diana having trouble in the kitchen, while the not so humble, stogie smoking, husband Steve is fretting about not being late for his date out with the boys. Dissociatively elsewhere, it would seem that Wonder Woman has found herself in a real bind. She’s tied up with a ‘Lasso of Lies,’ held by someone who calls themselves the Sovereign. Forced to endure bits of biblical quotes written by Paul, the Bible Guy, Wonder Woman isn’t one to be so easily swayed by browbeaten persuasions of submission. Back at the dinner table, the married couple enjoys a romantic candlelit meal together. 'Sweetums' Steve objects to the rarity of his steak roast. Demure Diana decides to skip eating dinner this fine evening in order to maintain her figure. 'Smooching' Steve gives his doting wife, Diana, a big ol' spit swap’n after telling her he doesn’t have time to chat about what time to expect him home. He responds to her persistent nagging with, 'You can't cook, and you never know when to keep quiet. But damn it, you do look alright in that outfit.' Such a charmer. Meanwhile, Sovereign, the old misstating rope wrangler, tells Wonder Woman a story about his imaginary dog. 'To be good, to be happy, to live a life where every comfort and desire were met. All the animal had to do was submit to the will of her betters,' he tells her. She wasn’t buying it despite that rope having a way with words. 'I want to feel your Adam’s apple on my palm as I push,' she retorts. Steve turns in after returning home at some ungodly hour, while Diana's thoughts turn to a fluttering chorus of sermons flowing through her not-quite-sleeping mind. 'Women should keep silent... They are not permitted to speak... If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home... For it is shameful for a woman to talk...' Home again and it turns out that Amazonian Princess Diana may not know how to operate a vacuum cleaner, as it somehow ends up flung out of the front room window. Diana’s thoughts drift back to the time her Amazon girlfriends caught that smartly dressed guy in the forest. He had a fondness for apples, apparently. Sergeant ‘balls of' Steel was his name. He claimed to be six foot one tall, but he was really only five-eleven. The ladies, blindfolded, made sport of taking turns shooting arrows at him while he was tied with a lasso of truth to a tree. Good times. Good times. Wonder what ever happened to good ol’ Steel. In the kitchen once more, Diana is preparing her hungry hubby Steve’s final meal: half-burnt eggs, bacon, and toast. He didn’t like it. Shifting back to more of Sovereign's soliloquies. He reminds Wonder Woman that she may not be anyone's son, but she's certainly someone's daughter. Apparently, he thought that was important for her to know, just in case she didn't. In the kitchen, imaginary Mom Hippolyta pays a visit to Homemaker Diana. They discuss all the imagined lies Mom told Diana about unbreakable magic lassos. Hold on just a gosh darn minute. If this is a lasso of lies, and her Mom said she should believe it couldn’t be broken, then… ipso facto, oh Senior Supreme Tiny Man, you better stand back because this Woman has been contemplating shoving the pointy end of her thumb through a certain man’s apple all day. Back home, soon-to-be sobbing, single Steve receives a letter from his dear Sweetums. 'Steve, I'm leaving... and you're going to need a new vacuum.' TO BE CONTINUED. Over at the Fortress of Solitude, an entirely different adventure unfolds. Jonathan Kent returns home to find Damian Wayne, who should have been babysitting, not looking after Lizzie, the daughter of Wonder Woman, AKA Wonder Girl (for now). Instead of staying home, she had left to work on a social studies report about Ancient Samurai and had even taken the Fricking Time Sphere to visit one in person. After some potentially future-altering meddling in the past, Lizzie returned to the Fortress, of her own time, to show off her new samurai cosplay outfit. THE END. Overall, I have to give it to the super-cowboy for final rating of this issue: You have, and I mean this from my heart, Tom, “no idea what you’re talking about.”

SPOILED REVIEW. Purchased issue #32 of X-Men for the Russel Dauterman Trading Card variant cover. In this issue, as I’ve read it, we find a few ragtag members of the X-Men executing a mission to save captured mutants from the Reverend Stryker Education Center for Disadvantaged Youth, located in Hershey, Pennsylvania. The weak men of Orchis maintaining the facility are slaughtered without ruth by one of Krakoa’s War Captains Magik, while hampered by gift blocking nanomites, as well as the always-lurking-in-the-shadows-ready-to-save-the day, Kitty (‘cat, Kate, Kathrine) Pryde. Hell hath no fury like scorned hellfire gala party poopers. Magik and Kitty slaughter men attempting to stop the intrusion by slashing them to pieces; blood splattered everywhere for all to see. Ironically an iron sentinel could prove more than a match for our heroes but thank all the goodness in the Marvel universe that X-Woman Polaris was able to finish putting on make-up in time to help rid Magik of her mite infestation and work together to douse the sentinel, that Polaris led to them, with water. SKRAKABOOM, indeed. I think that about sums up the story. Oh, in case I neglected to mention it, we learn that Magik is a War Captain of Krakoa. A key reveal to be sure. I liked the cover.

SPOILED REVIEW. Unclear who is winning in the war between Orchis and mutants, Sebastian Shaw plans to be ready, standing shoulder to shoulder with whoever is the victor. Every possibility has been accounted for, even the asymmetrical. Whatever that might mean, it has been planned for. They don’t just call him Seb-“Man with the Plan”-Stian because he’s so well dressed by the ladies. The only apparent problem, securing Madripoor deeds doesn’t much help with squatters. Not to be out-planned by his dad, Shinobi Shaw, along with his trusty louts set out to clear the riffraff from the lands so a stronghold could be built. The “louts”, otherwise known as Reavers arrive and politely ask squat-leader Callisto if it wasn’t too much trouble to kindly leave. They offered a ship waiting just down a little way, past the neon casinos, sex clubs, drug dens, at the Lowtown docks. Callisto retorts, “You can walk away or turn your legs into tank treads and wheel out of town”. Which resulted in a swift Reaver boot to Callisto’s face, officially kicking off operation “Slate”. Even though the world is ending again and it means it this time. Emma Frost has proven the ever-essential motivational lead thinker in charge. We hear the rallying thoughts of the White Queen telling everyone why she’s here, “Still helping direct mutant foot to Orchis ass.” We learn the dark reflection of Steve Rogers, AKA Captain Krakoa has been exonerated by a jury of his peers. More on that at a time and place of Emma and friends choosing. The recently abandoned, mutant stronghold located in the Morlock Tunnels has been discovered by Orchis. Little too late did they realize that Wolverine had been hiding there for who knows how long, just hoping that someone would wander in so he could make neat piles of severed body parts out of them. Meanwhile in Madripoor, where we find Reaver crucified captive Callisto, ever the one-eyed optimist, clearly opted to hang around instead of sailing away. Kitty (‘cat, Kate, Kathrine) Pryde arrives to negotiate her release. The Reavers faced with the choice of either freeing Callisto or dying or freeing Callisto and dying, opted for the latter. Once the dirty business of rescuing Callisto from the dead-treads gang was finished, tricksy Shinobi Shaw shows up. He decided he didn’t much like Sebastian’s plan. The new plan is the same plan as the old plan but his. Shinobi reveals Madripoor is the hidden location of a Very Important Person from Orchis. Whether the mutants win or lose, this man will be the builder or hero for the plan. The X-Men are dispatched, to stand side by side for the final stand and confront none other than, Dr. Killian Devo, Grand Poobah of Orchis, who had his brain scooped and rewritten by Omega Sentinel. The Doctor however was prepared for this and swiftly turned on the recently installed projectors to the Negative Zone. You see, Mutate Reed Richards neglected to secure his intellectual property before going missing, so Doctor Devo confiscated them and built a mutant-sucking machine designed to ostracize them in another dimension. While the rest of the X-Men were chatting about their perplexing predicament, quick-witted Ms. Marvel came up with a plan; make a long-distance tele-projection call to Latveria. Thank goodness Victor was in! It didn’t take much convincing for him to agree to help. He thinks the Earth is his purview after all and quite despises Mr. Fantastic’s feeble accomplishments being used to cleanse it. Victor deploys the X-Men… of Doom! Slag, Volta, and Nerium, the top of Latveria's spear, quickly kill Doctor Devo by stabbing him with a spear. Wolverine noticing how well Nerium was able to throw a stick offers a spot on the X-Men team. She responds “I have no interest in joining the X-Men”, content with being a member of the "X-Men… of Doom!". Now that that’s dealt with, Emma checks in with Cyclops over on the Moon who reports that “Dr. Alia Gregor is dead” and “Orchis was a Trojan horse… of machine death.” Turns out the whole master grand plan all along was for Nimrod, Omega Sentinel, and Moira to create a distraction until the construction of Sentinel City was complete! To sum it all up, let’s let Callisto describe it, “This all seems pretty terrible.”

SPOILED REVIEW We begin our adventure with the Professor daydreaming about times immemorial, when mutants could fly, skate, handstand, and survey their serene backyard without a care in the world for what anyone else thought of their idea of fun and leisure. He reminisces about a time when they could throw a party to watch *They Live*, starring everyone's favorite rowdy wrestler taking down invading aliens attempting to brainwash and enslave humans through subliminal messaging, without maligned prejudice from others. Unfortunately, there’s always that one person who wants to root for the villains in the story because they’re edgy that way. That would be the Professor Charles Xavier, who apparently has decided there needs to be 'no more humans.' To that end, he has sided with Orchis, the anti-mutant, pro-human organization determined to rid the world of mutants, in order to save mutants. Today, in New York City, we find George, AKA Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing, doing his best impression of an olive on top of a @#$% sandwich. George, the self-described jerk, rewards a loyal Orchis tug guard for a job well done by cranking the monster 'o meter dial all the way up to eleven. The dope was just trying to earn an honest salary man, only to have avant-garde wannabe George repay him with the worst case of dermatitis you've likely ever seen. Over at the Daily Bugle, news of investigative journalist Ben Urich breaking his favorite mug, given to him by his always late wife Doris, are reportedly true. Though, independently unconfirmed. The Orchis fellas have just arrived to ask Ben to publish a retraction regarding the misleading news stories he's been printing. Apparently, George's art project has gone viral, as more Orchis goons have gone grossly grotesque. Firestar arrives just in the nick of time, preventing Ben from getting his face licked. Meanwhile, Miss Marvel is wiping mutated Orchis slime on her grubby mitts all over innocent bystanders. Wolverine—no, not that one, the other one—is on the scene SNIKTing, because she's the best at it and that's what she does. The always mind-numbingly annoying White Queen interrupts everyone's private thoughts with an update on current affairs. The elusive Nimrod remains so, and Professor X has joined him. No worries, though; the top X-Men are on it. Kitty ('Kat, Kate, Katherine) Pryde has arrived at the Orchis facility, where Pestilence, I mean Caliban, who was once lost, has now been found. Shadowkat asks Caliban for help finding Chuck. Caliban responds, 'Nope’. Elsewhere, Firestar, Miss Marvel, and Wolverine—no, not that one, the other one—track down George and find him safe and secure, floating unmoored from a dock on his previously mentioned tugboat, protected from persecution under admiralty law, apparently. Firestar, having no respect for such laws, blasts the boat, blowing it to fiery bits. As luck would have it, just inches from the flaming boat, Miss Marvel found barrels filled with gasoline. Unluck would have it, George is fireproof. Luck would have it, Firestar can cook with microwaves. Unluck would have it, George gets cooked with microwaves. Luck would have it, George can shoot telekinetic force blasts from his tiara. Unluck would have it, Wolverine—no, not that one, the other one—can block M.O.D.O.K. beams. Luck would have it, Synch can replicate superpowers, such as Polaris's ability to control magnetism, and use those powers to hurl Laura Kinney at high-flying, hovering George. Unluck would have it, Laura is certain to fall into the water and get all wet after eviscerating George. Luck would have it, Synch is there to rescue the clawed damsel in distress by utilizing Polaris's power of flight. Unluck would have it, Miss Marvel apparently turns into a psychopath and pummels near-dead George to death. Poor George, so unlucky. ‘Back at Little Tokyo’, Kitty is still pestering Caliban to reveal where Chuck is hiding. Wolverine—yes, that one—interrupts their bickering and lets them know he’s going to SNIKT Professor Xavier because he’s the best at it and that’s what he does. Kitty decides she's done being called an X-Man and hands Wolverine her ninjato sword, calling it quits. And that’s just about all folks. We’ll let Kitty sum up this issue, “I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.”